Can you heal from church hurt?
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Billy Howard
Each Sunday, an untold number of people across America and around the world attend church services while flying the “I am Christian” banner. Many who ascribe to the title of Christ follower are earnestly seeking to improve their relationships with the Lord, intent on growing in the knowledge of scripture.
There are those who, for whatever reason, become drawn to the love that is exuded from the body of Christ and displayed amongst fellow believers. Many readily embrace the “family” concept consistently listed by pastors and elders of the church. However, like any biological connection, there are incidents and situations that have members of the “family” at odds with one another. This is most commonly identified as “church hurt” and serves as one of the primary causes for individuals to sever connections to the church.
The pain stemming from church hurt is often uniquely deep because it originates from a source that promises unconditional love and grace. It is not merely a disagreement between acquaintances, but a betrayal within a presumed spiritual sanctuary. This pain can manifest in countless ways: the gossip that shatters reputations, the misuse of financial resources, the judgmental dismissal of genuine struggle, or, tragically, the spiritual abuse and manipulation by those in leadership. When the pillars of faith, trust, community, and moral guidance are used as instruments of harm, the resulting damage can feel existential.
The hurt often transcends the individual people who inflicted it, and the pain can become inextricably linked to the institution of the church itself, and even distort their perception of God. To leave is a necessary form of self-preservation, a spiritual triage intended to stop the bleeding. The absence of the individual in the pew becomes a silent testimony to a failure within the system.
The core of the healing challenge lies in distinguishing between the divine mission and the human execution. We are often reminded the church is composed of imperfect people, and this is undeniable truth. Yet, this often-used defense can feel hollow to the person who has been wounded by hypocrisy or negligence. The expectation of grace is not unrealistic; it is the fundamental promise upon which the institution stands.
To begin the process of healing, the individual must first grant themselves the permission to grieve the loss of the community. Then, they must engage in the deliberate and painful work of separating the authentic faith–the core tenants of love, forgiveness, and grace–from the flawed container in which they experienced it. This means looking past the human error to rediscover the divine constancy. The spiritual journey must be reclaimed not from the people who failed them, but within the private, unmediated relationship with the sacred.
Is total healing possible? The realistic answer is that the scar will likely remain, but it does not have to be an open wound. Healing is achieved not by forgetting the experience, but by reframing it. The pain can, paradoxically, become strength-a sensitizing force that compels the healed individual to become an advocate for a more compassionate, authentic, and an accountable church. It is a slow, methodical process that requires courage, and often the aid of objective counsel, to untangle spiritual identity from spiritual trauma.
For those in leadership, the healing of the wounded flock must be seen as an imperative. This requires humility, an immediate rejection of institutional defensiveness, and a willingness to confront toxicity honestly. Only when the church acknowledges its own capacity for inflicting pain can it truly begin to embody the healing love it preaches. The return to faith, or even to a faith community, becomes possible only when the wounded heart realizes that the ultimate source of healing was never the institution, but the spirit of grace it was intended to convey. I could be wrong but it’s just something to consider.
To pose a question, comment, or share your opinion about this opinion, you can reach Howard at bg@authorbghoward.com or P. O. Box 8103, Jacksonville, FL 32239.
