Good intentions: advising friends
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Billy Howard
Have you ever had a friend come to you with a tough problem? Maybe they were struggling with a big decision about their career, a complicated family situation, or even a disagreement with their husband or wife. Because you care deeply about them, your first instinct was probably to help, right? So, you thought it over, and offered what you genuinely believed was sound advice in that you were just trying to be a good friend.
But what happens when that advice, even though it came from the best of intentions, doesn’t quite work out for them? What if they follow your suggestions, and the situation actually gets worse? It’s a truly difficult position in which to be, both for you and them. Surprisingly, sometimes giving advice can even lead to a friendship being fractured beyond repair.
Think about it for a moment. When we offer advice, we’re sharing what we believe is the best course of action. We’re looking at the situation from our own unique point of view, shaped by our personal experiences and beliefs. We might see things clearly from the outside that the other person can’t quite grasp because they’re deeply involved in the situation. So, we offer our insights, hoping to make things better.
The challenge is that life often isn’t so straightforward. What works perfectly for one person might not be the right fit for another. We might think all the facts have been shared, but sometimes there are crucial details or hidden emotions that we’re simply not aware of. Even if we knew every single piece of information, our friend is still a different individual. They have their own feelings, anxieties, and their own personal way of navigating challenges.
Let’s say a friend is feeling stuck in their job. You might advise them to talk to their boss, or to start looking for a new position, or even to consider going back to school for a new skill. These are all generally sensible ideas, right? But what if that friend is too timid to confront their boss? Or what if their financial situation makes it impossible to just quit and look for something new right away? If he or she follows your advice and it doesn’t improve their situation, they might end up feeling even more frustrated. In their opinion, it would have been your advice that contributed to the negative outcome. The friend might even start to harbor some resentment toward you.
This can become even more complicated when the advice involves bigger, more personal matters. Imagine your friend is going through a difficult breakup and asks you how they should cope. You might tell them to cut off all contact, or to immediately start dating someone new. It might even be suggested that they express all their anger to their ex for the sake of finding closure. If your friend acts on your advice and it makes them feel worse – perhaps they regret severing the contact, or rush into a new relationship too soon – they might feel deeply hurt and confused. And who do you think they might direct some of that emotional pain towards? You, of course.
It’s hard to imagine, but sometimes, when someone feels they made a poor choice based on your guidance, they might begin to withdraw. They might feel embarrassed, resentful, or simply unsure of what went wrong. They might even decide it’s simply easier to end the friendship than try to navigate the awkwardness or the lingering discomfort. It’s a sad possibility, but this does happen more than one might realize.
So, does this mean we should stop giving advice to our friends entirely? Not necessarily! It just means we need to be incredibly thoughtful and careful about how we offer our opinions. Instead of just telling our friends what to do, perhaps we can try asking questions that help them think through their own problems. We can offer genuine support, listen intently, and help them explore a range of different possibilities. We can pose questions like, “What have you tried so far?” or “How do you feel about that particular option?” or “What do you think might happen if you approached it this way instead of that?”
Ultimately, our friends need to make their own decisions in life. We can be there for them, listen with an open heart, and offer suggestions, but the final choice (and the responsibility for it) always rests with them. By stepping back a little and empowering our friends to discover their own solutions, we can avoid those difficult situations where good intentions lead to unforeseen negative outcomes. As such, we can protect those invaluable friendships that mean so much to us. It’s a subtle shift in approach, but can make a profound difference. I could be wrong but it’s just something to consider.
