By Mary Ann Ellis
Rearing a child could very well be the most important and the most daunting of all our tasks on this earth. The dilemmas begin well before we bring a child home from the hospital and are more intense than finding a name for our newest family member, even though that is important.
Train up a child
The child has to live his whole life with the name we provide. It’s probably a good idea to spend a little time thinking and talking about it before we decide. Some of my high school students complain vociferously about their names. (I wonder if they’ll do better when they name their own children.) After all, there is a lot in a name.
Far more important though is the teaching we provide for this child. We hold little hands and help him learn to walk. We pick him up when he falls and kiss away the hurt. We hold up the bicycle, running alongside until the child is able to pedal away and leave us. The lumps of fear in us give way to pride when we see our child’s happiness and success. As he flies down the driveway on his first bike, we experience our first separation anxieties. Suddenly, like ice water in the face on a hot day, we realize that this child will surely leave home and that time might not be very far away. Will he be ready? Will we be ready?
January finds our best high school students frantically filling out college applications, writing scholarship essays, and worrying about college roommates. Most are worrying about finances, especially in our shaky economy. They spend a lot of time in the counselor’s office looking for solutions to their problems. Their minds are already preparing to leave high school behind, even though most of them are uneasy at the idea of leaving home for the first time. Such is life. They are ready. It’s time to try their wings.
In quite a few situations, we parents are not ready to turn loose. Many students tell me every year that their parents will not permit them to leave home yet to go to Athens or Statesboro or Valdosta. These students are good ones, too, not the ones I might be worried about. Usually they are girls, but not always.
“Mama says I have to stay home a couple more years and commute to Waycross or Douglas. Then maybe I can go to UGA,” Jeannie (not her real name) tells me.
“Well, it’ll be all right,” I assure her, sympathizing fully. “You’re a good student and you’ll do well wherever you go.”
I mean those words sincerely, but in the meantime I’m thinking that maybe her parents are holding on too tight. I don’t say so to her. What a quandary for Jeannie though who’s been raised up to be a dutiful daughter. She’s had every opportunity-a Christian home, extracurricular activities, support at home. If she’s not ready to leave yet, she never will be. She’s ready. Mama and Daddy aren’t. They can’t bear to see their little girl leave.
Leaving home is hard, as we all know, but allowing our children to leave may be even harder. We talk about letting go, but cling all the tighter. Is there a solution? Not one without some growing pains.
My mother was determined that I would not leave home to go all the way to Athens to college. She couldn’t bear the idea of having me so far away from her. Daddy intervened, telling her and me, “I want my daughter as educated as she can get. She’s got to be strong and independent enough to support a family if she ever needs to,” he insisted to Mama, who saw only the moment at hand. “We’ll be right here is she needs us.”
I think that’s the role of the parent-to be available when our children need us, no matter how old they or we are. Sometimes though the role of the parent is to turn loose, and that may be the hardest role of all.
Far more important though is the teaching we provide for this child. We hold little hands and help him learn to walk. We pick him up when he falls and kiss away the hurt. We hold up the bicycle, running alongside until the child is able to pedal away and leave us. The lumps of fear in us give way to pride when we see our child’s happiness and success. As he flies down the driveway on his first bike, we experience our first separation anxieties. Suddenly, like ice water in the face on a hot day, we realize that this child will surely leave home and that time might not be very far away. Will he be ready? Will we be ready?
January finds our best high school students frantically filling out college applications, writing scholarship essays, and worrying about college roommates. Most are worrying about finances, especially in our shaky economy. They spend a lot of time in the counselor’s office looking for solutions to their problems. Their minds are already preparing to leave high school behind, even though most of them are uneasy at the idea of leaving home for the first time. Such is life. They are ready. It’s time to try their wings.
In quite a few situations, we parents are not ready to turn loose. Many students tell me every year that their parents will not permit them to leave home yet to go to Athens or Statesboro or Valdosta. These students are good ones, too, not the ones I might be worried about. Usually they are girls, but not always.
“Mama says I have to stay home a couple more years and commute to Waycross or Douglas. Then maybe I can go to UGA,” Jeannie (not her real name) tells me.
“Well, it’ll be all right,” I assure her, sympathizing fully. “You’re a good student and you’ll do well wherever you go.”
I mean those words sincerely, but in the meantime I’m thinking that maybe her parents are holding on too tight. I don’t say so to her. What a quandary for Jeannie though who’s been raised up to be a dutiful daughter. She’s had every opportunity-a Christian home, extracurricular activities, support at home. If she’s not ready to leave yet, she never will be. She’s ready. Mama and Daddy aren’t. They can’t bear to see their little girl leave.
Leaving home is hard, as we all know, but allowing our children to leave may be even harder. We talk about letting go, but cling all the tighter. Is there a solution? Not one without some growing pains.
My mother was determined that I would not leave home to go all the way to Athens to college. She couldn’t bear the idea of having me so far away from her. Daddy intervened, telling her and me, “I want my daughter as educated as she can get. She’s got to be strong and independent enough to support a family if she ever needs to,” he insisted to Mama, who saw only the moment at hand. “We’ll be right here is she needs us.”
I think that’s the role of the parent-to be available when our children need us, no matter how old they or we are. Sometimes though the role of the parent is to turn loose, and that may be the hardest role of all.
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