I recently had a Yankee friend stop for a few days and I had the privilege to take him out for a walk in midafternoon. Be advised I did this on purpose. I wanted to see his reaction to one of the South’s most celebrated residents, the black gnat; for I knew they were out in force. I believe they are the worse this year they have ever been. I remember my Daddy saying “they won’t bother you if you work hard enough.” What a crock. This was just another ploy of the old timers to get more work out of us young’uns.
Anyway my friend and I started out and we had not gone very far when he started swatting away. He noticed me not swatting and asked, “these bugs aren’t bothering you?” I told him I had a method and that all children below the gnat line learned it early on and that it was called the “blow ‘em away method.” I explained if he blew out the sides of his mouth and blew hard enough and often enough that he could keep them away from his face. He started blowing fast and furious but his aim was off. It took him the better part of an hour to get it right but to his credit he made me proud of him because by the time we got back to the safety of the screen porch, he was an expert marksman. The next afternoon when it was time for our walk, he declined, saying he was just too short of breath to go out again. What a wuss. He opined that he needed to run into town to the drug store for some needed medication. I told him I would wait for him as he set off for the city some 12 miles distant. Yep, I live in the woods.
My friend arrived from his trip to town and we set out on our walk. Sure enough we hadn’t gone thirty feet before I started blowing the gnats away. I looked at my friend and he looked back and grinned. He whipped out his new store bought ‘Gnat Hat’ that he picked up at the drug store, fluffed it out and gathered it over his head. I said “what the heck is that?” and he replied, “A three dollar solution to a million dollar problem.”
I sniffed that this was a coward’s way out but secretly wished I had one, also. We hadn’t gone very far when he started puffing and blowing and swatting at his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “What are you slapping at?”
It seems that when he fluffed the gnat hat out and gathered it over his head that he also gathered a few dozen of the little buggers inside his mesh hat. Now they had him cornered and it was eyes, ears, nose and throat for everyone.
It only took a few minutes of this and he turned and ran back to the house, snatching off the gnat hat and cursing a blue streak. I can only call this ‘a Southerner’s revenge’, for it was sweet to me.
Hint to new owners of the Gnat Hat; Put it on while still indoors.
Seriously, I do own a gnat hat and it works well and no, I do not own stock in the company, but every time I put it on I think of the gentleman from Nashville that came up with the idea and is going to do well with it. He came up with a good idea and is capitalizing on it.
This is what made America great, or at least it once did. If he makes any money he is now nothing more than a capitalist swine.
I hope he refuses to sell them to politicians. They are the ones with the most gnats swarming around them and this is because they are mostly so full of what we all know attracts gnats better than anything else.