Oh, what a fine time of year. The freezer is full, the peppers and okra are still bearing, just had my first pot of ribs and turnips; now the bad news.
I manured and fertilized my garden spot where my collards were going, tilled it all in good, and took my homegrown plants and lovingly placed them each in the soil just right. I kissed each one and whispered sweet nothings to them because I do love my collards. I walk out each morning with the dogs and the first place I stop is the collard patch. I stand there and hope to see them take off and grow tall. The fourth morning I noticed some of them wilting. I pulled one up and saw that a cutworm had bitten it in half. Oh, Lord Jesus. I panicked and started putting some kind of poison on the ground that the seed store recommended, but to no avail. The little sapsuckers killed them all. I bet they are all liberals. Disaster!
Not to be outdone, I pulled more plants from the greenhouse, but this time I wrapped each one in tinfoil from the root ball to the top before planting. Success! Not even liberal cutworms can chew through tinfoil and, oh, did they ever take off growing. Now I could peruse my garden each morning in peace, knowing my collards were safe and happy.
One morning I noticed, for the first time ever, clouds of little white flies all over my lovely collards. I called the seed and feed store and told the lady that some kind of tiny white flies were all over my collards and asked what they were. “Tiny white flies”, she answered, “and we got something to kill ‘em.”
Off to the seed and feed store where the lady sold me a bottle of something that hooks on the garden hose and you spray the collards with it. “This ought to work”, I thought to myself, “It cost enough. “The next day I saw the flies were diminished in number but still there. I looked at the bottle to see what were the ingredients and it said, “98% pure mineral oil and 2% inert ingredients.” “Flitter”’ I thought. “I can buy mineral oil a t Wallyworld and make my own a lot cheaper if all it’s got in it is mineral oil.” So I did. Disaster!
Obviously the 2% inert ingredients did not consist of moonshine that a friend had given me that I use to light charcoals, for within hours, my darling collards began to wilt. Then they died. Disaster!
I was pitching a fit over this when my wife said, “Calm down, Honey, it’s just another of life’s little setbacks.”
Later that night and with me still angry, around 8:30, my phone rang and I looked at the unfamiliar number. “Dadblameit, another politician,” I said to myself. I answered rather gruffly and I could have sworn the man asked for Ken, but apparently he asked for Anne and I simply misunderstood. “Heck, No! Ken ain’t here and if he was he wouldn’t talk to you,” I answered, shouting a few other choice words as I hung up.
Ten seconds later the same number called back and I thought, “What’s going on with this hardheaded dude?”
I answered and this time I caught the, “Is Anne there?” “Hold on,” as I handed the phone to my wife.
I heard her trying to explain to her prospective new boss that her husband thought he was a political caller.
Oh, well, “just another one of life’s little setbacks”, I said as I tried to console her over the loss of this prospective job.
When I get out of the hospital, I am enrolling in anger management school.