Ken Vickers
Political calls and procto’s
Man, am I ever glad the election is over. I am one who always tries to answer the phone but it got to where my phone was ringing off the hook from daylight to dark the last two weeks of the race. Most of the calls were from some overcompensated politician or someone that wanted to become one and they each had a plan for creating jobs. This job creation business was fine coming from an outsider, but each incumbent that said “I have a plan to create jobs”, I would shout into the phone and ask what they were waiting on since they were already in office! Create some, darn it!
About a week before Election Day, I got smart, and each time a real person would call from an unknown number, I would answer the phone with my down home black dialect I learned from watching Flip Wilson when he does Geraldine in that falsetto voice. The conversation would go like this; I would answer, “Hello”, (Geraldine would have been proud) and if it was a Republican calling, they would ask for Mr. Vickers, and I would say, “Who?”, and they would say “Mr. Vickers.” Then I would say, “Dis’ him.” Click!
If, on the other hand, if it was a Democrat calling; when I said “Hello” and they asked, “Could I speak to Mr. Vickers, please?” “Dis’ him.” Lord have mercy Jesus, you never heard such an outpouring of how bad I needed to get out and vote and get all my people to vote and more than that, how bad I needed to send some money to Democrat headquarters.
I actually enjoyed answering the phone the last week before the election, but the week after was tough. I had to get a colonoscopy. It was time since I was 65.
I went through all the routine. I must say that night before was rough as sandpaper but I showed up at the doctor’s office on time and finally was taken to the back by a nurse and placed in a stall. I could hear other people snoring loudly, I thought. Turned out, they weren’t snoring. The nurse said the other patients were just “letting out some air, but you can call it snoring if it makes you feel better.” I sure am glad it was just air because there was a lot of it!
Finally, it came my turn and I was glad to get out of that room and into one where there was no snoring. They gave me a pill and left. In a few minutes they came back, rolled me on my side and told me to relax. Sure.
The next thing I know, the doctor woke me up, telling me I was in good shape but that I needed to come back in two years and have another ‘scope’. At that point, I snored real loud one time. I couldn’t help it. I tried not to but I just had to snore, and I do mean snore. I don’t know how all that air got in there. The doctor frowned. I started to apologize but had to snore again. It sounded like somebody squeezing the life out of a goose.
I told the doctor that if the Good Lord had seen fit for me to make it this long and be in good shape up in there, that “you have seen the last of me,” and just to emphasize the point, I snored again!
If, on the other hand, if it was a Democrat calling; when I said “Hello” and they asked, “Could I speak to Mr. Vickers, please?” “Dis’ him.” Lord have mercy Jesus, you never heard such an outpouring of how bad I needed to get out and vote and get all my people to vote and more than that, how bad I needed to send some money to Democrat headquarters.
I actually enjoyed answering the phone the last week before the election, but the week after was tough. I had to get a colonoscopy. It was time since I was 65.
I went through all the routine. I must say that night before was rough as sandpaper but I showed up at the doctor’s office on time and finally was taken to the back by a nurse and placed in a stall. I could hear other people snoring loudly, I thought. Turned out, they weren’t snoring. The nurse said the other patients were just “letting out some air, but you can call it snoring if it makes you feel better.” I sure am glad it was just air because there was a lot of it!
Finally, it came my turn and I was glad to get out of that room and into one where there was no snoring. They gave me a pill and left. In a few minutes they came back, rolled me on my side and told me to relax. Sure.
The next thing I know, the doctor woke me up, telling me I was in good shape but that I needed to come back in two years and have another ‘scope’. At that point, I snored real loud one time. I couldn’t help it. I tried not to but I just had to snore, and I do mean snore. I don’t know how all that air got in there. The doctor frowned. I started to apologize but had to snore again. It sounded like somebody squeezing the life out of a goose.
I told the doctor that if the Good Lord had seen fit for me to make it this long and be in good shape up in there, that “you have seen the last of me,” and just to emphasize the point, I snored again!
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