The following appeared on my desk a few days back and definitely brought a smile to my face. I could not resist sharing with News-Banner readers.
- A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
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Columns - Topics from November, 2011
Way to go, Pirates!
Sports fans in Appling County will be talking about the Lamar County football game for years to come. What a game! Not even present in the over-crowded stands, I was nonetheless glued to my radio, listening with bated breath to every play, especially during the four overtimes. When the announcer’s voice rose, so did my blood pressure.
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The modern world
I was coming out of Harvey’s the other day and had the misfortune to witness first hand just how dumb some people can be. I pulled out of the parking lot with a fresh load of cracklings and got behind this lady as we started toward the traffic light, which was red. She was using her cell phone and obviously had her mind somewhere except on her driving because she went right through the red light, oblivious to the oncoming traffic. Thank goodness the other drivers were paying attention and braked for this idiot. She continued down the street and I got close to her again just as she came to another intersection and, would you believe it, she ran another red light, just talking away. The good Lord must really like this woman because no one was coming and she just went right straight through the light as if she owned the road.
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Giving thanks
Today my front yard looks like an autumn landscape …. not on a postcard but on a sale paper for leaf blowers and rakes. I prefer to think of it as an advertisement for autumn, my favorite season. Yellow leaves still cling to the silver maple, but the red maple’s leaves are mostly on the ground. The already brown dogwood leaves are strewn about the yard. The ornamental pears are about half red and half green at this point, but I parked under one of them yesterday and returned this morning to find my car covered with bright leaves. Mostly though, big sycamore leaves coat the yard. Almost every brown leaf is bigger than my hand, and the wind has worked diligently to spread them all over the whole place.
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Fire hunting
When whitetail deer first appeared on the scene here in Coffee County in the late 70’s, none of us country boys had a clue how to hunt them. I mean an animal with eyesight like an eagle’s, a nose like a bloodhound and ears like radar ain’t exactly easy to sneak up on. We soon discovered, however, that they had one weakness that made them obtainable; whenever you shine a light in their eyes they stand still and stare at you thus making for an easy shot. This isn’t exactly sporting but after chasing them around in the woods and always getting skunked, a desperate man will often skew his principles of fair play to include any method that works.
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Thanksgiving makes us whole
Humankind has the most unique relationship to its Creator. It is stated in the Bible that we are created in the image of God. We are inbreathed with God’s breath of life, which makes us a “living soul” with a distinctive bond with our Maker. This exclusive rapport is the only one of its kind in all of God’s creation. Our inimitable affiliation with God allows a communion with Him that no other of His establishment enjoys.
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What’s in a name?
Expectant parents usually spend a generous amount of time planning the proper name for the coming baby, and rightfully so. The wrong name can create all kinds of problems. We’re all familiar with the woes of boys named Sue and girls named Johnnie. If you’re looking for an unusual name, don’t choose James, John, Robert, or Michael. Those are the four most common male names in the USA, according to the names turned in to the census recently.
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Man’s Best Friend?
Several irate people, especially Sammy, have, over time, asked me to write about our local dog pound and how hard it is to adopt a pet from there. I stayed away from this subject until now that a tally sheet from the pound was delivered to me, which shows the grand total for the year 2010 of animals and their fates. The tally is as follows:
Adult dogs adopted—17; transferred—61; died in captivity—13; sent to the gas—1601; reclaimed by owners—125; escaped—0.
Puppies adopted—34; transferred—20; died in captivity—28; put to death—1802; reclaimed—19; escaped—1. I can assure you that cats and kittens fared no better. [Full Story »]
Adult dogs adopted—17; transferred—61; died in captivity—13; sent to the gas—1601; reclaimed by owners—125; escaped—0.
Puppies adopted—34; transferred—20; died in captivity—28; put to death—1802; reclaimed—19; escaped—1. I can assure you that cats and kittens fared no better. [Full Story »]
A Day at the Apple Barn
The long ride up from Georgia on Monday had finally taken its toll. B. J. and I sank into the gentle king size bed and slipped away into dreamland with visions of apple pie and ice cream dancing in our heads.
The night seemed to go too fast. When we awoke, the cushy bed whispered to us, “Hey, it’s a great day for cuddling and ordering breakfast in bed.” [Full Story »]
The night seemed to go too fast. When we awoke, the cushy bed whispered to us, “Hey, it’s a great day for cuddling and ordering breakfast in bed.” [Full Story »]
Too good to be true
“Lose 20 pounds before Thanksgiving,” the magazine article proclaims, “while eating whatever you want and doing no strenuous exercise.” The key to the diet is grapefruit it seems. According to the esteemed doctor who wrote the article, there is a little-known miraculous ingredient in grapefruit that counteracts calories, but it is essential to eat one grapefruit every day before eating any thing else. I’m no doctor, but I suspect that a grapefruit a day will not keep the calories at bay all by itself. Eat your grapefruit and conscientiously follow a low-calorie diet, and that probably will work, but to lose 20 pounds between now and Thanksgiving, you’d better eat just a grapefruit a day and nothing else. Thanksgiving is just around the corner.
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The Tree of Discipline
Many years ago, when I was an innocent lad of six years, the telephone company came along putting up wire so we country folks could have a telephone if we desired. Of course, my Mother put in for one and it was delivered and hooked up. In the process, the telephone workers left behind some wire like my brother and I had never seen. It had plastic on it and one could tie a knot in it with ease. It wasn’t like the only other wire we had ever seen up until that time…haywire.
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Have a laugh today
My dad, tall, fair complexioned, sandy-haired and blue-eyed, loved to laugh. He would laugh at the drop of a hat. He subscribed to a daily paper, the Savannah Morning News. The first page he would turn to was the comic section. When you could hear laughter erupting all over the house, you could be sure that he was reading his favorite comic strip Mutt and Jeff. Even in the fields, dad would often burst into laughter. When he was asked what he was laughing about he would reply “That Mutt and Jeff.”
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Stupid Rules!
A couple of days ago I was out of town and needed some shampoo and some potato chips. I stopped by a chain pharmacy (I’m showing my age. I almost said drug store.) to make a quick purchase. When I went in, the young man at the counter yelled, “Welcome to RiteAid!”
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Decision Time
For the last two weeks my dogs have been keeping me up way too much at night. They seemed to always start barking at something along about midnight and continue at intervals until around six. Then I discovered that a herd of deer had made the mistake of slipping into my yard every night to eat pears and acorns and this is what had the dogs upset.
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Return to the Smokies
We had a great homecoming day with the good people of the Chester United Methodist Church in Dodge County. I was their pastor from 1982 until 1986. They graciously invited me back to preach their homecoming sermon. Some of the members treated us to a fine dinner in Dublin on Saturday night. B. J. and I had a great ministry there and being with them on their special day was fun.
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