Lord have mercy but I am depressed. My land auction business is slow, hunting season just came in and no one invited me to a bird shoot, all the national news just repeats itself and generally it is all bad, Europe is melting down financially, Obama is going to save us all, and my hip is killing me.
But wait, what is that the mail lady just delivered? Can it be? Yes, it is; the new Victoria’s Secret catalogue. Oh, Hallelujah! Depression be gone! I must pick out a new outfit for my sweet wife. She will be so proud.
I wonder why there were no ladies that look like Vicky’s girls when I was a young man. Perhaps they just did not habit the places I did. I mean there isn’t just any old outfit that fits when one is sneaking up on a bream bed or trying to twist a rabbit out of a hollow tree, or digging rattlesnakes out of a burrow, or topping and suckering tobacco. Maybe an old pair of overalls, the kind one rarely sees these days; OshKosh, by Gosh. But no, the ladies that happened to accompany me and my companions generally either dipped Navy Sweet snuff or chewed Bull of the Woods, and were missing some of their teeth. They were good sports, though, and could give as good as they got, but models they were not. In fact, most were a little on the chubby side. They would work all day in the fields just like the rest of us and I guess it was the diet we all shared that kept some meat on our bones. I’ll bet Vickie’s girls never ate peas and rice seasoned with fried meat grease, baked sweet potatoes rubbed in grease, corn seasoned with fried meat grease, biscuits made with lard, and corn bread, and of course some kind of meat and it fried in lard. One bite of this good eatin’ and Vickie’s girls would be ruined for life. The lard would settle in their abdomen and their modeling career would be over unless liposuction was involved.
It looks like to me that with all the information we have about what is and is not good for us that we would be healthier than ever before, but it seems that these days folks are sicker than ever before and all this with a health craze going on. I read magazines that tell of new cures for this and that and studies that show promise for certain diseases, but I believe I know what is wrong with a lot of us. We don’t eat enough lard anymore. Think about it. In the old days when lard was all we had, people seemed to be healthier than today. O.K., maybe they died younger but at least they were in better health when they died young. I believe it was because their arteries and veins were lubricated. It stands to reason everything flows along better when the pathway is greased, therefore cutting down on friction, and nothing greases arteries and tastes better than lard.
Just between you and me, I think our First Lady and the Surgeon General were both introduced to lard cooking early on in life. Them and me would get along fine, I’ll bet.
Have a cathead biscuit, Madam First Lady, and here is some cane syrup and cow butter. Enjoy yourself.